Vegan Guide to Michelin Restaurants: Gauthier, Soho

      YES CANDY LADY!!! Folks, we’ve come to the point in this veganization of “Friends” journey when we get to celebrate one of the greatest things Monica ever made, yet remember that she acted kind of annoyingly in this episode. Maybe I just have no patience for rude people, but I always wanted her to show some moxie and punch her neighbors. Anyway! Enough violence, now onto the candy! 
       Remember the episode aptly named “The One With All The Candy”? Yeah you do! Monica thought that she should really get to know her other neighbors, not just the other Friends across the hall. She decided that making homemade candy and putting it in a basket outside her door would do the trick. At first, it works like a charm…but then the neighbors get quite boorish, and near abusive. Refresh your memory:

    It’s totally worth watching the whole video, isn’t it? You also get to see (at 0:40) my favorite Ross line of the whole episode: “Mine stole my newspaper; it’s like a crime wave!” He’s such a nerd. Anyway, as you saw, the building residents have absolutely no sense of social decency and could really use a punch in the face. But…maybe our little Harmonica’s candy was really so good and so addictive that, without it, the neighbors experienced drug withdrawal. Our task today is thus to make THE GREATEST candy that could turn otherwise nice, well-behaved citizens into DEMONIC BARBARIANS. Let’s doooo it! 

      Last week, when I made “that wonderful nutty cakey pie thing“, I had such good feedback from its eaters that I figured I should incorporate some of the same delicious components here. The candied pecan caramel was a hit, so we’re making that again. Then, we’re also going to melt chocolate with Speculoos. We’ll increase the awesomeness with some crumbled flat pretzels, and mix it all together for a crunchy kind of Speculoos-pecan-caramel-chocolate turtle! To quote Monica, I KNOW!!! 

    Do you feel like you don’t have control over the volume of your voice anymore? Are you starting to act mean towards nice people? No? Let’s keep going.

TO ASSEMBLE:

• Start by spooning a thin circle of chocolate onto the parchment paper-lined baking sheet. This will help the cluster stay together once cooled. 
• Cover that circle with the pecan caramel
• Top that with some crushed pretzels (the pieces in the picture are a bit big for this, but shown for effect, like on cereal boxes).
• Cover the whole cluster with chocolate
• Throw the baking sheet in the refrigerator for a few hours.

    So, this is the best candy I’ve ever made. I think Monica would be proud! I hope my neighbors don’t turn on me, though my mom already went into the fridge and ate the still-warm pieces. It’s quite addictive. Try making it yourself, and play around with the add-ins! Also definitely on your to-do list? Watching this Joey gif over and over:

Giveaway trivia:

1. What was one nickname the gang had for a not-so-well-known neighbor?
2. In Rachels’ b-story this episode, she wrote a very inappropriate review of Tag that accidentally went to human resources. What was Tag’s nickname in this review?
3. Why does Phoebe get mad at Ross this episode?
   

    Philly’s best Chinese restaurant is actually the best Chinese restaurant in the country. Important and wise critics actually say that, not just me, and everyone I know who has eaten at Han Dynasty agrees. Offering an authentic, super-spicy Szechuan-based cuisine, it’s so far from your usual Chinese restaurant that you probably won’t know where to begin. Luckily, I’m here to help. The menu is a favorite of omnivores but there is so much insane food for vegans to eat that I consider this one of my top vegan recommendations for Philly and the surrounding area (they have several outputs in the burbs and in NYC now, so famous). 

The menu is set up to be user-friendly, with spice rankings from 1 to 10 accompanying each dish (the 10s are mind-blowing, and will melt your face; so will some 5s) so you know what you are getting into. Making Han Dynasty super vegan friendly is that each dish is described in terms of how its made and how its seasoned, and then you choose what protein you want it based around (I know, I hate using that word like that but it works). Tofu is available as the protein in the majority of dishes, so vegans unite! Also, Han himself is really nice and helpful. Well, now he’s like the new it-boy of the restaurant world (and now NYC claims Handy as its own), but back when he actually worked in the Old City Philly kitchen, he was always willing to talk about what was vegan and what was not. Thankfully, there is so much besides the many tofu-based entrees for us to eat. (Also the twitter account is @handynastyphila and so I refer to this restaurant as Handy in shorthand. Best lack of punctuation.)

    The #1 dish at Han Dynasty is how everyone I know always starts the meal: the Spicy Crispy Cucumber. It’s not crispy from frying; it’s crispy because it’s the freshest cucumber you’ve ever eaten, and it’s the most perfectly prepared raw cucumber you can imagine. I think even people who don’t like cucumber would go nuts over this dish. The spicy part is not a joke. The cucumber is bathed in a sort-of sweet, exceedingly hot yet light chili marinade. After the cucumber is gone, I always want to drink what’s leftover in the bowl because it’s that good. (I don’t because I don’t want to destroy my insides.) One day, I will successfully recreate how magical this dish is, but for now, you have to leave it in Handy’s hands…ies. 

      My other favorites (I mean everything I’ve had is a favorite, but these are things I’ll order every single time) are the Cold Sesame Noodles and the Dan Dan Noodles without pork. (Specify that you want them without pork and vegetarian.) The sesame noodles are a classic that I’m sure you’ve had before, but these are the best you can ever imagine. Last time I was here, we ordered multiple bowls even though we were too full to finish other dishes. Definitely over-order these because everyone will keep eating them past fullness, and also they are amazing out of the fridge the next day. As for the Dan Dan, if you are familiar with Szechuan, you know that these noodles are super important and vital to the cuisine. They are amazing. Oh my goodness. I don’t know what’s in them, because the internet shows me that Dan Dan is usually in a broth full of mustard greens, but Handy’s are in more of a thin paste. Regardless, these are incredible and you must eat them. Also – it’s an 8 spice level. And an 8 feels like a 10. 

Recently, I actually tried a new noodle. (In addition, obviously, not as a replacement.) I ordered the mung bean noodles in black bean sauce (another 8 spice level). While I didn’t get the black bean sauce aspect (I may have just been given the other mung bean noodle dish), I did like the strange as hell consistency of the noodles themselves. They are soft and gelatinous; you cannot pick them up with chopsticks (they cut right through) and a fork only barely does the job. I don’t know, I like having to work for my food I guess. Anyway, they were very interesting and cool, but if you can’t handle three noodle dishes, stick to the two above. 
     Now let’s get to the entrees. I am obsessed beyond words and beyond belief with Handy’s tofu. No matter what form you get it in, the tofu is the densest, most perfectly chewy and strong I have ever encountered. I don’t know what they do to make it so superb. It’s like it was pressed for years. 

      Above is the Hot Sauce Style tofu, chock full of scallions, some kind of green, and the largest amount of chili and peppercorns I’ve ever seen in one dish. Can you even believe that? There were more peppercorns in the chili oil below the top bed of food. This was a 7, by the way, and my mouth was on fire for a long time. I love how amazingly hot everything is while still having a wonderful taste. That’s super hard to do. 
      Another one of my favorites is the Garlic Sauce Tofu, which is perfect if you cannot handle the vast amount of chili oil and heat in most of the other dishes. This dish is kind of sweet and sour, with wood ear mushrooms, bamboo, ginger, garlic, and peppers. It’s really delicious, as everything is here, and it’s a great option. 
      However, my top recommendation is the Long Hot Pepper Style Tofu. Oh my gosh. This is where Handy’s magic tofu shines brightest. It’s a very simple dish, with the perfect long strips of tofu mixed with long green hot peppers in a very light stir fry sauce. It’s only a spice level 3, but it seems a tad higher, and the taste is so perfect that it doesn’t even matter. 

Ugh it’s amazing. Can you even believe that that is tofu? Because I can’t. So delicious! This one is also great to eat straight from the fridge the next day. 
         There are plenty of vegetable sides in case you somehow didn’t order enough food. My favorite is the bok choy with black mushrooms. Seriously, Handy has the most incredibly thick mushrooms I’ve ever had. They are perfection. 

     I crave Han Dynasty so often and I already miss it, even though I had it just days before I moved. Do me a favor and go immediately if you are in the Philly area. I have been to most of the new suburban outposts of the restaurant, and they all pretty much have the same menu and, more importantly, consistency in deliciousness across the board. 

HAN DYNASTY, PHILADELPHIA (et al.)
Water speed: Great! It is a Chinese restaurant, after all!
Service: See above.
Bathrooms: There’s usually just one, which kind of sucks because everyone is drinking so much water to counter the spice. 
Food: The best Szechuan outside of China. Maybe in China as well; feel free to sponsor a test trip for me. 
Bonus: The best tofu you’ve ever had in your life.