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Crazy Mother Hubbard: What To Do With The World’s Largest Squash, Part 1 – Kidney Bean & Squash Stew

December 5, 2013
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That’s a huge mother…
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…shut yo mouth!

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      For Thanksgiving, my best friend gave me a squash she bought at the farmers market. I know you’re thinking, how nice is that! What a lovely friend! Squash can feed people! You know what else squash can do? KILL PEOPLE. You know what else? DEMOLISH TALL BUILDINGS.
      Yeah, so my friend gave me the BIGGEST SQUASH IN THE ENTIRE WORLD (that wasn’t entered into some sick contest of genetically mutated growths at a county faire or anything), the enormous Blue Hubbard Squash. With a slightly blue-tinted skin, this squash weighed about 15 pounds and gave me the shivers. For days (weeks? I lost track of time. no it was just days) I stared at it, half hoping to get inspired as to its uses, and half hoping to somehow break it open with my mind. I sat there with my hands on it, hoping that through osmosis my desires would lead the monster to freak the eff out and shake shake shake senora and then crack open. Pretty much I couldn’t figure out how to open it, ok? My collection of 31 knives was no match for this. 
            And then. And then. And gentlemen and then. My mom and I did this: 
       THAT’S RIGHT! We put that crazy mother hubbard in a trash bag and dropped it off the deck. Happy Thanksgiving, here’s a trashbag full of smashed orange goop! (The trashbag part was genius, and necessary, though.) NB that right before Operation Dumbo Drop, my dad was yelling about how it would crack the cement and he’d have to redo the backyard because of it. That’s how scared we all were of this thing. We promised my dad that we wouldn’t drop it, but then we did. It’s what Thanksgiving is all about. Luckily, no property damage occurred, and guess what – it worked PERFECTLY.
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Wafting through trash clouds
 Look at how nicely the ground carved up my squash! It cracked beautifully into 7-8 easier-to-manage sections, and I got going. It took about an hour to skin and cube all of the squash, and it made a good 10 cups of uncooked cubes. That’s a lot, so we’re going to have 3 different posts about What I Did With The Hubbard Squash. First up: Kidney Bean & Hubbard Squash stew! 
KIDNEY BEAN & BLUE HUBBARD SQUASH STEW 
Ingredients:

  • 1 large onion, diced
  • 2T olive oil
  • 4 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1t cumin
  • 1t paprika
  • 2t salt
  • freshly ground black pepper to taste
  • 1 large Serrano pepper, seeded and diced
  • 3C cubed Blue Hubbard Squash
  • 2C (1 can) red kidney beans
  • 2C (1 can) cannellini beans
  • 1C carrots, diced
  • 28 oz. can of diced tomatoes, plus water
  • 1T lemon juice 
  • 1/2 T soy sauce

Directions:

  1. If you haven’t done so already, drop your Crazy Mother Hubbard squash off the side of a building. Cube it. 
  2. In a large stockpot, saute your onion in olive oil for 5 minutes. Add the garlic.
  3. Add the spices and the Serrano pepper and stir for about 3 minutes (adding drops of oil, water, or broth if things start sticking).
  4. Add the rest of the ingredients. Refill your tomato can with water and pour that in too. 
  5. Bring to a boil, cover, and lower to a medium simmer. Cook for about 30 minutes. 
  6. Add the lemon and soy sauce and taste for salt and seasonings. 
  7. Enjoy! 
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This isn’t even all of it
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I don’t even try to take good soup pictures. Especially when it’s orange. There’s just no saving it.

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      This stew is very comforting and hearty, perfect for these increasingly cold evenings. Or days; it’s all dark outside, who can tell the difference. Anyway, all the squash pictured is what I had after making this soup, so more Blue Hubbard squash recipes will be coming! And thanks best friend! 
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Veganizing “Friends”: The Moistmaker, or MY SANDWICH?!?!?!?!            (Plus Stuffing Recipe!)

December 2, 2013
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      Well, it’s a few days after Thanksgiving, so what does that mean, dear Friends? It means it’s time for the Thanksgiving leftovers sandwich! Every Thanksgiving, Monica would take her leftover turkey, stuffing, gravy, and whatever else she made that year, and stuff it into a huge sandwich for Ross. I believe that the below clip shows Ross at his absolute best, freaking out (rightfully so!) when his boss “mistakenly” eats this special sandwich. Featuring Monica’s trademarked gravy-soaked bread called “The Moistmaker”, this sandwich was apparently worth screaming at your boss and losing your job over. Now that’s a good sandwich. 

“YOU YOU YOU YOU THREW MY SANDWICH AWAY? MY SANDWICH? MY SANDWICH??”

Don’t remember the details? Can’t watch the videos at work? Good, I have an excuse to transcribe:

Ross: Hi.

Joey: What’s wrong, buddy?

Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich. 🙁

Chandler: Well what did the police say??

Ross: My Thanksgiving leftovers sandwich! I can’t believe somebody just ate it!

Chandler: Ross it’s just a sandwich!

Ross: Just a sandwich?! Look, I am 30 years old, I’m going to be divorced twice, and I just got evicted. That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE!

You know what, it’s too good. Just watch it the whole thing. Your boss won’t mind. 
      You know, there are plenty of “Friends” moments in which Ross is clearly in the wrong yet acts insanely entitled and, well, insane. But this isn’t one of them. He’s so right! Oh my goodness, I would be so upset if someone ate my lunch. Like who does that? Seriously! What kind of sick bastard knowingly eats someone else’s lunch? Bastard. For Ross’s (a.k.a. Mental Gellar) sake, we’re going to make The Moistmaker with our Thanksgiving leftovers. Bring it to work tomorrow and write a little caveat on it so no one steals it, something like “Hey, keep your mitts off my grub.” Or something not quoted from “Annie”. 
       Before we get to assembling Our Sandwich, let’s make some stuffing! I made this stuffing for my family dinner, and it was awesome. I recommend it for all of your stuffing needs. 
 VEGAN SAUSAGE & SAGE STUFFING
Ingredients:

  • 1T olive oil
  • 1 large onion, diced
  • 4 cloves garlic, minced
  • 2t sage
  • 1t thyme
  • 1t salt
  • freshly ground black pepper to taste
  • 2C carrots, diced
  • 2C celery, diced
  • 1C Field Roast chipotle sausage, diced (or sausage of choice, or tempeh crumbles)
  • 1 loaf (16 oz.) day-old multigrain sandwich bread, ripped into cubes/bits/whatever small shape you prefer. I go with bits.
  • 2-3C vegetable broth or water

Directions:

  1. In a heavy stockpot over medium-high heat, saute your onion in the olive oil for about 5 minutes.
  2. Add your garlic, carrots, and celery and cook for another 5 minutes.
  3. Add the sage, thyme, salt, and pepper and stir through.
  4. Add the sausage and stir while it cooks for about 2 minutes.
  5. Next, add your bread and then the broth/water. Mix through, and the bread should be wet. If you need more liquid, use it. 
  6. Add the entire mixture to a large casserole dish, and bake for 20-25 minutes in a 350° oven.

Bring the dish to Thanksgiving dinner and save a serving so you can put it on more bread for your sandwich! 
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So pretty!
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Stirring the veggies in the stockpot
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Before cooking: Gross wet bread with seasoning! Ew! So gross!
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After cooking: Mm, hot bread with seasoning.

SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE!!!

THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS SANDWICH WITH “THE MOISTMAKER”
Components:

  • 2 pieces of sandwich bread or one large roll
  • 1 additional piece of sandwich bread
  • 1/2C delicious gravy
  • several pieces leftover seitan roast (amount depends on how big you want your sandwich)
  • 1 serving Vegan Sausage & Sage Stuffing (about 1/2C)
  • 2T cranberry sauce
  • Extras: spoonful of mashed sweet potato, green beans, Brussels sprouts, whatever you got

Directions:

  1. Put your bread down on a plate. On top of it, place your leftover seitan. 
  2. Next, layer your stuffing on top of the seitan for a beautifully gluten-full trio of bread, seitan, and stuffing. Marvel at your ability to maximize the gluten.
  3. Cover that with a spoonful of cranberry sauce.
  4. Then, cover that with some spoonfuls of gravy.
  5. Take your extra piece of bread and soak it in the gravy. Place that on top of the stuffing. (Not pictured because oh man, that’s messy.)
  6. After “The Moistmaker” is in place, reverse the process: On top of that, layer more gravy, then cranberry sauce, then stuffing, then seitan.
  7. Finally place your last piece of bread over your leftovers monstrosity and just take a gander at it. We <3 gluten.
  8. Now eat it! Or, pack it for lunch and write a message to would-be thieves to scare them away from YOUR SANDWICH.
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The gravy is the most important part. Really. Of anything.
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Bread, seitan, stuffing.
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Gluten trio covered with cranberry sauce.
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Here comes the gravy!

Oh oh really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moistmaker?

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     Man alive that’s some good sandwiching. Who cares what time of year it is – make some Thanksgiving-y food and then make this sandwich! Poor Ross didn’t get to eat his. I feel so bad for him, especially because he was essentially fired for his reaction. He didn’t do anything wrong! I would have punched Donald, not because I care so much about the sandwich, but because Donald was SO WRONG. I punch wrongness in the face. That’s life. Enjoy! 

Vegan Guide to Michelin Restaurants: Lyle’s, London UK

August 1, 2016
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*This post is part of a series in which I eat fancy Michelin-starred meals and then brag about it. 

Unlike all the other posts in this series, this meal was completely impromptu. On a recent Friday, Husband and I met up in Shoreditch (our old but always hood) after work and thought, where on earth/Shoreditch/Most Popular Land for Hipsters on a Friday Night at prime time will we be able to eat dinner without a reservation? Oh, I’m sorry, without a ‘booking’. (Okay this is one I’m actually starting to say though, eek. Choosing my battles.) Most of the cool places book up way in advance, the others (like Dishoom) forcing you to line up for hours like you’re waiting for the latest iPhone. While walking around somewhat aimlessly, we walked past Lyle’s, which is right across from the BoxPark and the overground station. Lyle’s opened relatively recently and was virtually immediately awarded a Michelin star. For dinner, it offers a set tasting menu, and books up in advance. We knew it was totally booked but figured it was worth asking. You don’t ask, you don’t get, as the philosopher Strega Nonna says.

       Armed only with my husband’s knowledge that he thought he saw somewhere that they can accommodate vegans, we asked the host if by any chance there were any cancellations that night. Lo and behold, they had a free table for two open at that very moment! What luck! Next came the follow-up question that I always feel supes awk asking after all the preceding excitement, ‘oh yay thanks amazing um can you feed me?’ On Lyle’s website, they post the daily tasting menu plus a vegetarian version, but it’s usually full of cheese and eggs and stuff, so I figured that for a vegan version, they’d need notice. But he said no problem! No problem! Dance emoji! I hate springing the veganism on a restaurant without giving them prior notice, but they were unfazed. As any professional restaurant should be. Especially one with a Michelin star. I bet with advance warning they could have prepared something even better, but it was a great meal nonetheless.
        After we were seated in the open, airy, totally unassuming dining room (where I could watch the open kitchen from my seat! I can see Russia from my house!), we were brought, without too much delay, a pitcher of tap water. Those who know me know that this is the way to my heart. Strong start. Then we were brought a basket of really good hearty bread. Second way to my heart. My heart was so happy! On to the food!
      Like other Michelinas, Lyle’s usually gives printed menus to each diner. However, since I surprised them, I didn’t get a printed menu, so the following descriptions of the dishes are pure guesses.       
    The tasting menu officially consists of four dishes (for 44 GBP, not bad at all!), but like most places with tasting menus, the chef sends out a few off-book snacks to start you off and make you feel special. My first baby dish was roasted carrots, baby ones that still had their little green tops and were really cute and very good. They tasted like they had been wood-roasted on special delicious wood, reminding me of the magicked wood at Asador. I know you’re like, so hold up  just a second, those are just two very small plain carrots. Yeah but they were good carrots and they were bonus food. I would say something about not looking a gift horse in the mouth but then I realized horses LOVE carrots and I feel like there is a better line in there somewhere.
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So good and cute I would never use them for snowmen
     My next bonus food was like the perfected version of a child’s after school snack. It was literally a slice of peach topped with raw white almond slivers. I thought, um, what, okay cool? But then I breathed, and I smelled the strongest peach scent I’ve ever smelled. I don’t really recall ever eating a peach that smelled as good as this piece did even when it was still on the plate, feet away from my nose. I can’t recall any fruit ever smelling that good and that strong from so far away! (Durian doesn’t count it is the Voldemort of fruits.) The almonds were the whitest things I’ve ever seen since my legs circa two months ago. Really a fun little snack! 
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You’re not from around here, are you
    The first of the official dishes I think was actually my favorite. I got a dish of fresh peas topped with edible purple flowers and lightly dressed greens. So simple, I know. But so well done. When good restaurants serve me peas, they’re usually the best most perfect peas ever and I kind of freak out because I really only use frozen peas and it’s in soups and similar jawns that cook for ages and they get super mushy and they’re just completely different from these perfect little adorable peas. Real good.
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When a restaurant gives me fresh peas I’m thisclose to rapping about them like Meryl Streep in ‘Into the Woods’
    Next up to bat the Rosarios they run the cab company oops no it’s this meta world beet dish. I’m skeptical of a dish that is mainly beets but these were damn good glazed little beets! Moreover, those greens on top are the beet greens, one of my favorite pieces of greenery and one of the hardest to find (because I don’t buy bushels of beets straight from the earth who does that). They were dusted with walnut powder, a surprisingly brilliant mix of two very earthy foods. 
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they struggle in the barrio

Picturedamn you oh nee ohn

     My main dish was girolles, which I think are the same thing as chantarelles, so, nice little mushrooms. They were cooked to a great level of dark saltiness, served with fresh arugula (I think) to offset the depth of the flavor and mixed with some barely detectable buckwheat, which added a really wonderful subtle earthiness. They were also served with small little onion bulbs, which are fine when fully cooked so they are soft and translucent but you see that one bulb right in the foreground? That was mostly raw still, and I ate it, and then I smelled like oh nee ohns for DAYS and I was nauseous from it for DAYS and ugh raw onions are not for consumption by dogs OR humans. Other than that, this dish was great! Oh the best is that there were these interesting little fried bits of something mixed in. They actually looked like meat and kind of tasted like a meat or a substitute, maybe. I was intrigued and really enjoying them so I asked a waitress what they were. She kind of laughed at me and said, “Um that’s fried pieces of bread!” So embarrassing. But bread is good and fried bread apparently is good too! It was funny, and it did taste really good. Yet I would have preferred some kind of bean instead, right? There was no real protein source in this meal. I am giving them the benefit of the doubt that it was because I came without giving them a chance to prepare. But if you see this Lyle, remember to give vegans protein otherwise they will turn into the grass that they eat. I mean who doesn’t have 100 cans of beans on hand at all times what you don’t no me either I’m not prepping a fallout shelter or anything.
    Normally in these tasting menu meals, we get so full that it hurts before we’re even halfway through. I tend to start either talking like Gizmo or laughing hysterically in a manner akin to how it used to sound signing onto AOL. The great part of Lyle’s is that it’s totally a normal amount of food so you don’t get that hurt. The only thing that happened was that at one point Husband stopped, made a quizzical face, emptied his pockets, and then said, “I have crumbs in my pockets.” I’m still laughing about that one. But now, we still felt like normal people and had room for dessert! 

PictureIf I could find a vegan yogurt like this, not sweet but also not tart or disgusting, I could actually eat yogurt

     As we know, dessert at non-vegan restaurants is usually fruit or fruit sorbet, which, by the way, I will never want from a restaurant, unless it’s like in a country where I haven’t been able to find fruit for days or something. So when I saw the waiter heading towards me with a dessert plate, I crossed my fingers and started shouting “no whammy no whammy no whammy!” It worked! I mean, well yes it did have both fruit and frozen fruit ice, but it was over iced cream! No not ice cream, iced cream, like non-tart non-sweet thick Greek yogurt kind of cream. It was such a good vehicle for the raspberries and the delicious sweet raspberry slushy ice on top of it. Really good job guys! As non-chocolate non-peanut butter desserts go, this was very good, and much more sophisticated than my usual favorite dessert of putting chocolate and peanut butter in my mouth at the same time.
       Overall, Lyle’s offers a very nice tasting menu for a very reasonable price, and I bet with advance notice, you’d get an even better meal, maybe with some protein. When we asked for the check, they brought two more bonus desserts! I got a tiny ‘sandwich’ of delicate cinnamony crackers with blueberry compote. Neither component was sweet enough but it was pretty nice still! Huzzah.
LYLE’S, SHOREDITCH, LONDON, UK, EUROPE FOR NOW
Water speed: Very impressive for a London restaurant! I wonder if they talked afterwards about how they never had a patron go through so many jugs of water.
Service: Very nice and accommodating, considering I surprised them. Service itself was good for most of the meal, but the second half slowed down a great deal. I think I spent over an hour between finishing the girolles and getting my dessert. A lot of that is because Husband was given an extra dish, but not all of it was that.
Bathrooms: The bathrooms are single serving, one for men and one for women. Like all places with this setup, they should just make it singles for everyone. I don’t get the specifying for gender when it’s single toilets. I mean maybe the men’s has a urinal but it also must have a toilet so come on. They had nice soap but also had that weird pull chain from the ceiling to flush like so many London places do because this city was built a billion years ago and the plumbing is atrosh. This is the most I’ve ever written about toilets and I feel weird.
Food: Overall nice, simple food done very well. Despite it being many courses, it felt non-sickly.
Bonus: Be so cool dining in Shoreditch with all the cool people! 
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