In Which I Make The Greatest Cream Pie Ever Eaten By Humans

This week, we had dinner – out – in a restaurant – for the first time since, well, you know. All this shiz. It was our wedding anniversary, so a fairly decent reason to risk our lives for a great meal, I guess. Last week or so I wrote about our return to the theatre, and how thank god it was a great show because if we’d risked our health and well-being for a piece of shit we’d be really mad. Well, same for this wonderful dinner. Alter, the latest hottest all-vegan restaurant in London’s ever-increasing vegan scene, delivered the goods, and I cannot wait to go back and try the rest of the menu.

Alter is the brainchild of chef Andy Hogben, who has cooked at several trendy place and has done a number of popular pop-ups in recent years and finally has a restaurant just a few blocks from my flat (the most important detail). Fun fact, a few years ago, he did a special dinner at The Frog Hoxton that we had tickets to, and then I got sick (pre-Covid), so husbo went with a friend and sent me pictures and it was torture. I was all (Sherie Rene Scott impression coming) “thissss shoulda been myyy tiiiime” but finally MY TIME HAS COME.

Alter’s whole concept reflects Andy’s sort of veganism (which is I think fairly recent? I could be wrong, it’s happened before, also what is time) – less focused on meat substitutes and the kind of “fun” food we find in abundance as a result of London’s obsession with vegan junk food bars. The menu focuses instead on fascinating flavor combinations from various cultures, especially those that are Not British. It’s very Thai-Malaysian-Chinese-other South Asian fusiony made hipster but in a great way. As my tastes go more towards vegetables than burgers, this is my kind of place for sure. Also, husbo and I debate a lot over the very stupid topic of ‘if you had only one cuisine to eat for the rest of your life what would it be’ and we usually narrow it down to Chinese and a few South Asian contenders, so this combo of all the bests really speaks to us.

Okay enough rambling. You know how much we love overordering, and if there were maybe 2 fewer items on the menu we prob would have just been like ‘BRING US ONE OF EVERYTHING’ which was my family’s favorite pastime at V Street in Philly (RIP). (Good thing we didn’t; we still brought leftovers home.) Instead, we finally decided on 3 from Column A (the small bites), 3 from Column B (the starter sizes), and 1 from Column C (the mains). Most of the dishes are shareable, or everything is if you’re with someone you don’t have to stand on ceremony with. I think we ordered a good amount, but there are a few changes I’d make for next time.

COLUMN A

Our superb waitress (thankfully wearing a mask, although the too loud music made it hard to hear her despite how hard she was trying to yell; please lower the music so your staff doesn’t go hoarse! (also we couldn’t really hear each other either and we are NOT OLD I SWEAR)) recommended the Kung Pao crackers, so we got those as well as the rice-fermented mustard green miang laos and the salted watermelon and coconut miang khams. Now I don’t know what miang means and it seems important, so I’m going to look it up: Oh just as I predicted it means FORKING DELICIOUS LITTLE PIECE OF HEAVEN.

Let’s start with the salted watermelon miangs, because they were my favorite. Well, everything is my favorite here. But I really loved these because, if you have ever eaten with me, you know my favorite kind of food is food that I can put in a raw leaf of some kind. You might think that limits things but I have put literally every food on lettuce, no joke. Anyway, this little parcel of goodness was I think a betel leaf? or like that? because it reminded me sooo much of all the best things we ate in Burma all those years ago. Luckily, unlike the great things I ate in Burma, this little leaf jawn did not make me sick for 3 days in a hotel room on stilts on a lake. Anyway, they were AMAZING.

Next up to bat, the Kung Pao crackers were also incredible. I was picturing those little soy-sauce-flavored rice crackers that taste like salt but also cardboard, so I clearly had no idea what was coming. This lovely light rice cracker was filled with shredded green stuff and white stuff and flavor wondrousness, honestly I have no idea but it was SO GOOD. Along with this, they sent out extra treats of rice patties topped with spicy goodness, again, no idea what it is, just put it in your gd mouth.

The little miang laos balls were also like my favorite thing of putting food on a green leaf but instead of an open taco, it was all wrapped up neatly. Thanks friend! This was cold, which I didn’t expect, and a nice contrast from the other bites. I think this was super spicy too? and delicious, I know that much. Guys, I’m sorry, I did not take notes, I forgot that that helps, it’s been so long, also I was too busy trying not to freak out about the celebrity behind me (see below).

COLUMN B

(You know with these headings I’m singing Aladdin, right? good. Next time I will take the Genie’s advice and try all of Column B.)

After our plates of bites, allllll the rest of our dishes came at once, which was a struggle for our tiny little table, a struggle we know quite well due to our aforementioned sublime ordering skills, but a struggle that could be avoided if things were staggered a little. Maybe the naem het could have been served alone since it was like the true starter-y feel and the rest were super mains-y? Anyway, that dish – the crispy naem het with jaew (what did you call me) dressing and ‘erbs (their styling not mine) was a standout, and husbo’s fave of the night. IT WAS SO GOOD.

The crispy naem het was a birds nest mess of fried strands of things (mushrooms? stems?) that we couldn’t really discern from the waiter because of the music but whatever, it was delicious. You know I’m not the world’s biggest fan of fried food but this was ace. You take one of the raw green leaves (yesss), put some fried strands in it, add some of the fresh herbs, roll it up, and dip it in the sauce pot (and you got cheesy blasters, and then meatcat goes off in his um spaceship). At least we thought those were the instructions we were given – later, our waitress said something that made it seem like we had no idea what we were doing. Doesn’t matter, whether we did it right or wrong it was forking amazing. So much flavor, so many different flavors mixing together in a surprising and wonderful way. A must get!

Another absolute must-get is the charred jordan cabbage, with kolae coconut curry. This dish is only £9 and what a value – on a normal night eating at home, this dish alone would be enough for the two of us, maybe with some rice. I’m serious, that picture doesn’t show how big that hunk of cabbage is. Without a knife (only chopsticks and spoons on the table), I was worried that I would have to pick up an entire head of cabbage and bite into it head first while wearing a dress, but of course that wasn’t the case. The cabbage was so tender and the leaves separated at the touch of the chopsticks. This is the dish I am going to try to recreate at home, and fail miserably I’m sure.

The coconut curry that surrounded the cabbage was one of the best curries I’ve had. It was perfect in every way, salty but not too salty, coconutty in that great way but without any visible overpronunciation of coconut milk, just a surprisingly treaty, complex dish for something that seems so simple. I would truly pick this up every week and eat at home with rice.

We also really enjoyed the Chengdu street tofu, not that it was like any tofu we had on the streets in Chengdu (you couldn’t eat this and walk at the same time! also it didn’t burn our faces off!). It was a soupy dish that was best eaten with a spoon out of the bowl rather than putting on your own plate. The flavors were on the mellower side so the dish was almost comforting, like a soupy sales should be.

COLUMN C

The only disappointer was the Xi’an-style knife-cut noodles. It’s not that they were bad at all, they just were not impressive like everything else was. (Also the fact that they are ‘knife-cut’ isn’t really much of a selling point; I mean, you cut the dough with a knife instead of what, scissors? teeth?) The flavors didn’t really hit; the dish was sort of bland, a little plain. Maybe we are just spoiled because we actually had noodles in Xi’an (omg the Xi’an night market noodles…and the spicy tofu…and the fresh jackfruit…omg and that coconut milk…dammit now I’m remembering all this glory). But this dish, unlike all the others, was missing a punch. It was the only thing that wasn’t a ‘wow’. Of course it could be your fave dish, no harm no fowell (to quote Estelle), I guess we prefer noodles that burn our faces off (we really like things that burn our faces off). I’ve heard really great things about the laksa, so next time we will definitely be trying that instead.

Even though we were stuffed to the brim, we had to try the dessert. Alter has just one dessert, but it’s a good one – mango sticky rice.

This was a really lovely iteration of a classic, kind of saltier than normal but in a way that really really worked. And I am a sucker for edible flowers. So pretty! You can’t go wrong with mango sticky rice and this was delicious and the perfect size for sharing. Mango sticky rice is just the best, right? In Thailand, at the annual Vegetarian Festival, I had it from a cart that stored their cut-up mango next to their cut-up durian, so the scent of the durian, that overpowering devil’s anus scent, had infiltrated the taste of the mango. And it was still DELICIOUS.

So, overall, dinner at Alter was a huge win. I cannot wait to go back. It’s the kind of small plates fine vegan dining that London needed, one that focuses on flavors and vegetables rather than burgers and fries. It reminded me of a Michelin-starred restaurant we ate at in Cambodia that I can’t remember the name of. My god I am dropping a lot of travel brags in this post; I sound like a full-on Gwyneth, sorry I just miss traveling.

Alter is located inside the Leman Locke hotel, just south of Aldgate East tube station. There’s a cafe on the ground floor (with great sounding smoothies, which I live on even more than food wrapped in lettuce), and a spiral staircase (and elevators) up to the second floor (I’m sorry, “first floor”) where Alter is located. We actually had dinner in this space a few years ago but it was a different, less-entirely-vegan restaurant, so I hope Alter stays much longer – like forever. Because I’m gonna be a regular. (Well, within reason; I still am into hermit life.)

ALTER, ALDGATE EAST, LONDON, ENGLAND, UK, CRUMBLING WORLD
Water speed: They do the stupid thing nearly everyone does where their water glasses are freaking thimbles, but they give you the carafes and the waitress was EXCELLENT at refreshing our carafe. She had to do it at least 12 times because I drink so much, but I didn’t once need to dip into my liter in my purse, which is rare in restaurants so really speaks highly of her attention.   
Service: Our waitress was great! Top marks.
Bathrooms: There are two single-serves through a hallway behind the bar. They are really spacious and modern and clean and they smelled so good that I took a picture of the fragrance stick jawn. It is SUPER confusing when you come out because there are doors on each side of the area but one is locked, so you will eventually find your way back to the restaurant space.
Food: ​Soooo good, a great new addition to London’s incredible scene, whether you’re vegan or in denial.
Bonus: Alfred Enoch was sitting behind us. If it’s good enough for celebrities it’s good enough for you! Everyone there was sooo hip and cool and it made us feel simultaneously not cool but also like we were getting cool by osmosis, which is interesting.